Our Story: Light vs. dark
This story begins on a strange day at my dad’s house. I must have been 10 or 11, maybe 12. I remember being upset, sad, frustrated, and I don’t know why. Lots of conversations I had with my dad centered around people not hearing me or seeing me and wondering how or where do I fit in? Or maybe it was around getting my dad moving which I often found difficult as I am an early bird and sometimes he wouldn’t be ready to get moving or to go out to get food until late afternoon.
Somehow we settled in on his love seat in his den. I remember crying or simply being so full of emotion, I felt overwhelmed. He said to me, “Do you want to know what’s real?”
I didn’t know. My emotions were so muddled and I was scared to know. What would happen if I said yes? And there was a sense that I’d never be the same; I could never go back. I closed my eyes, as I was adept at meditation already and feeling into my own body and mind, and began breathing deeply. After some time, I’d calmed, and the image popped in. I found myself in a forest, half of it was dark, gray, black, shadowy and the other was light, white, sparkly, and alive. I stood there, in this image, right in the middle- half of me was in the light and the other half in the dark. I was then presented with a question: Do you want to stay in the dark or step into the light? Which do you choose: dark or light? I didn’t know there was a choice or that I, a 12 year old, had one. I stepped into the light to try it on like a comfy winter coat on a cold winter day. So full of love, it was a bit overwhelming. I stepped into the dark fully. All of the feelings of depression, sadness, separation, being alone. Oh, I felt so alone! Frustration, anger, all of it, filled my body, heart, and mind. It was so lonely there and so full of being separate and disconnected that I couldn’t bear to stay very long. The tears came back and streamed down my face. For a moment I thought I belonged there, feeling unloved and unworthy of the light, like I deserved the darkness. Now I know this is impossible, that not only can we never be unworthy, we can never actually be outside the light because we are the light.
But it feels to bad and the light was only a few steps away. I walked back into the light. I felt so much love, joy, exuberance, bliss!!! Why would I ever choose darkness?! I felt cleanse, baptized, reassured, accepted, loved, worthy, connected to the Divine and All, safe, and never wanted to leave. Now I know We can’t actually leave; we only pretend. Humans play hide and seek with the light. Just like when the clouds hide the sun, humans often cloak the light with darkness, but behind and underneath both, the light exists shining just as bright, ever-new, ever-existing.
After enjoying my meditation a few moments longer, I opened my eyes and said, “Yes.”
“Look into my eyes,” was all that was said.
We sat and stared into one another’s eyes. It was the most intense staring contest of my life. After some time went by- maybe it was 5, 10, 30 minutes, as our sense of time no longer existed, twinkles appeared, little sparkles of light, for just a moment. Then it got bigger, light was all around, every line in his face. Shortly, I could barely see the physical expression of my dad’s face as it was all light. As I watched longer, I began to see different faces, some extremely beautiful, some very ugly and scary almost like a monster, mostly just faces. Some were a Native American woman, an old woman, an old old man, a little boy of about 6 years old, and so many others. They were constantly changing, never stayed still. Then the whole room was energized with only the physical outline distinguishable by brighter light. And at one point everything went completely white for just a few seconds, just like in my meditation, totally white, bright light.
My heart was full of love, my body energized and in flow with this light. I was connected to the entire world and all of the different aspects and expressions each one of us carry within us. This was the only proof I needed to know the whole world is made of energy and how interconnected each of us actually is. Oh, the magnificence of this world that the physical expresses itself in so many plants, colors, light, water, animals, people, but that it’s ALL ENERGY! It’s all LOVE.
My life hasn’t been the same since that day. A shift in perspective, in awareness, and life shifted with it.